Yes, come in, have a seat, Ma’am. Thank you for taking the time to meet me like this. This won’t take long.
I just wanted to let you know personally. It’s been a hard, hard decision – but it’s one we had to make to fill this vitally important position. We’ve had far more great candidates than we anticipated, all with excellent qualifications, but we had to pick just one. This is an essential position, after all, and – well, let’s just say that the current man on the job is on his way out. And he left one heck of a mess. So that makes this job doubly important.
As I said, we’ve had several outstanding candidates, yourself included. We winnowed the list down to three, carefully researched each resume, evaluated the candidate’s record with the organization, and listened intently to each succeeding interview. With that kind of talent available, it wasn’t easy, and we were genuinely impressed with the candid ideas each of you brought to the table. And after a long, intensive review, I'm sorry to say that we’ve decided to go with another candidate.
Which one? Well, it’s not technically appropriate for me to say, but I don’t think there are any secrets at this phase of the process. And you’ll know soon enough anyway – considering all that you’ve gone through, I suppose we owe it to you to give you at least a hint of whom you'll be working for. Let’s just say it wasn’t the nice Southern boy – I know how you’re sick of grits, so that, at least, will be a relief. Now, calm down, Ma’am, we aren’t here to argue. But I’ll answer any reasonable question.
Why? Well, I suppose in the final analysis it came down to which of you had the best ideas, the best vision, and the most passion for the job. It’s an executive position, as you know, and while none of our top-tier candidates had a lot of executive experience – I know, I know who your husband is, but you can understand why we couldn’t officially consider that in our deliberations. As I was saying, while none of you had a lot of executive experience, that actually made the decision easier. The Board was able to discount that factor and measure you on your merits with the Company.
You know what the current guy has done – actually, maybe you aren’t aware of his latest shenanigans; I know how much time you’ve devoted to preparing for this interview. But the Board and I thought that the next person in that slot needed to have a sense of vision, a sense of possibilities. We feel that the potential for growth in that position is boundless, and we wanted someone who was looking squarely into the future. And while you certainly presented an intriguing vision of yourself, we couldn’t help but think that a lot of it appeared to be a half-hearted recycling of stuff that was fresh a decade ago. It’s good stuff, no doubt – but we were looking for great stuff, and that other candidate just struck a chord with us.
I know, we said we were positively disposed to a female or minority candidate, and we’re gratified that we’re able to move forward on that. It isn’t a matter of gender or race, actually, when it comes to hiring we try to stay color-blind. Notice that the other candidate that didn’t make the cut looks an awful lot like everyone else in the Legal department? We were looking for someone who said "change", and while your gender certainly did that, much of the rest of your presentation just didn’t break enough with the past. Again, and I mean this with the utmost respect, your gender was not used against you in the slightest – and no, this was not an "affirmative action" hire. Everyone came in on a level playing field – what is this, the 1990s?
Yes, we found your record of service admirable. You have a long and distinguished career in the industry, and plenty of sterling recommendations. Just a couple of small blots, here and there, nothing major. They didn’t weigh against you, honest. Well, not much. A few members of the Board took exception at your approval of excessive overseas expenditures for the present Management, but we know how it is. When the winds are blowing one way, it can be very difficult to stand up and be the lonesome voice in the wilderness. Dangerous, sometimes even fatal, career-wise. Remember that guy we cut in the first round? Smart, quick, and full of ideas – but when he brought up the UFO thing in the middle of an interview, well, that just confirmed our opinion of him. Nice, but . . . well, you know. Our shareholders would flip out if we had a Vegan in charge. Some of the Board held that against you, said you should have been a more vocal opponent of the current Management, but most of us understand how it is. You don’t want to make too many waves at that level. But your record was solid – no shame in that. Just . . . not what we were looking for. Not by itself.
Yes, I know you do have more experience with the company – but not by much, and not enough to make that final cut. And truth be told, it probably would have been more favorable if you had cultivated some experience outside of the company – that winning candidate? He did some very impressive non-profit work before he came on board. Plus the academics – his legal CV was also very impressive. The Board likes to see some breadth of experience, as well as depth. There is experience and then there is experience, and for this position – particularly this time around – we felt it was important to bring in some new ideas. Just to shake things up.
Look, your ideas were good, your resume was good . . . I’ll tell you where you went off-track: first, acting like you’d get the position automatically. Some on the Board felt that it came across as a trifle arrogant. Sure, you’ve been on Management’s radar for some time, now. We’ve known you wanted the position since you came here. It didn't help that the current Management has been pumping you up as a successor -- they're not real popular right now. You’ve managed to claw your way up to middle-management, and we respect that. But you made a lot of enemies on the way. Acting like you didn’t have to compete for the job just didn’t go over well with some members of the Board.
And some of the things you said about the other candidates during the interview process . . . well . . . it put some folks off. A lot of those folks weren’t thrilled with your application to begin with, but it didn’t help your case when the word "inevitable" started being tossed around the water cooler. Death is inevitable. Taxes are inevitable. High gas prices are inevitable. Menopause and prostate issues and urinary incontenance are inevitable. Not a good association for you, and you encouraged it.
People like an underdog, even for an important position like this, and touting yourself as "inevitable" just set you up to fail. Just some constructive criticism, don’t take it the wrong way, but humility is seen as a positive characteristic in an executive. You have to be able to fake humility, or people will resent you in a leadership role. That’s just the way the game is played. Look at the dickhead who’s there now: sure, he’s a cocky little ass, but he’s adept at affecting a humble nature. I mean, the people on the loading dock still love him to death, despite what he’s done.
Oh, and the . . . well, calling them "dirty tricks" might be poor form, but I can’t think of a more polite turn-of-phrase. You know what I mean. That kindergarten thing? And the whispering campaign about the other guy’s religion? And the allegations that he was a crack dealer? I know, I know, you rejected all of them, but the Board has been around a while. We know a skillful campaign of negativity when we see one. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of us who admire your skills as an infighter, but for this particular position we really didn’t feel it would be sending the right message to the stockholders this time around. Dirty pool, and all that. After what’s happened the last few years, well, the other candidate’s relatively unblemished record seemed a better way to go.
As I mentioned before, your ideas were sound. Just . . . well, they didn’t come across well in your presentation, and considering how much time and energy you poured into the effort, we expected more, quite frankly. A lot of people in the Company still remember when you were in charge of picking out the new Healthcare policy a few years back, and . . . well, they weren’t thrilled with your second take on it. Yes, that was ages ago, I know. And it wasn’t really fair to include that, but you can’t erase people’s memories. In fact, the Southern guy with the great hair, his was probably the best presentation – but we didn’t end up going with him, either. I believe the winning candidate will probably select elements from both of your presentations when all is said and done, but you’ll have to take that up with him.
Oh, and a few vocal members of the Board – a minority, really – were not impressed with the make-up of your consultants. Yes, we know everyone uses them – we expect that. Competition in this industry is tough, and there are plenty of hired guns out there worth every penny. But some of the people you chose to keep on board through the process, well, they weren’t really the kind of folks we want associated with the Company. We have enough of an image problem, already. And that crack one of them made about "Don’t trust anyone under the age of 45" or something – yes, I know it was funny, but only if you had been to Woodstock and remember the SDS. Some people just took it wrong. Thought it was a tad . . . offensive. Ageism. And you know how the Feds are about that kind of thing. This isn’t 1988, any more.
Yeah, I was born in 1968. I remember hearing about Woodstock. No,no, I got the joke. Weathermen, some Viet Nam thing. Funny. My parents were in tears.
And that brings me to my biggest point: the Board is looking for new blood, and there is just something very . . . twentieth century about you. And this is a young company. Oh, sure, there are plenty of people opting for early retirement these days. Your husband did that, didn’t he? He must be going nuts, staying at home while you go off to work every day.
The fact of the matter is that we’ve been bringing in a younger crowd as attrition warrants, and while plenty of those retirees are still stockholders, well, they don’t actually have to work with you on a daily basis. Taking that kind of condescending attitude with the staff isn’t seen by the Board as being very conducive to your long-term effectiveness as an executive. These people have to look up to you, after all, if they are going to listen to you and help dig the next executive out of the hole the present one dug. That’s going to be difficult if you treat them badly before you even got the job. And, honestly, with a female in charge there was some worry on the Board that your tenure would be unfairly compared to the presidency of Laura Roslin. No, not the woman in Germany, the one on Battlestar Galactica.
No, not the one in the 1970s. They canceled that. No, Ma’am, they remade it. Richard Hatch is on it, and Edward James Olomos. Yeah, he was the guy on Miami Vice. I loved that show when I was a kid. Um . . . no one else you’d know. You should check out the new show, though, it’s great. Um, try the DVD boxed set to catch up – I suppose you’ll have a little more leisure time, now. But there’s a woman president, and she’s tough and steadfast and steely eyed with resolve, and . . . well, a lot like you, only with better writers and wardrobe. I think she works out some, too. But there were worries that the staff might compare you her, and it just wasn’t fair to you. She’s fictional, after all.
Yes, a bunch of kids – I know. Hard to take them seriously. Yes, I’m sure getting put in their place by the firm hand of authority is just what they need, but the Board felt pretty strongly about it. Vision and inspiration. That's what we were looking for. Do you know how deep morale has sunk? When we took an informal poll (Personnel is good about that sort of thing) of the rank-and-file, they just didn’t see morale improving with your hire. Quite the contrary. No reflection on you, personally, but honestly, Ma’am, just how many younger folks were you going to include in your staff? Beyond coffee-servers and file clerks, that is? No, the winning candidate was very popular among the younger staff, and they are really where the rubber meets the road. They’ll be middle-management some day, and alienating them from the Company by putting another unpopular leader in charge – well, we have a duty to the stockholders. We can't just ignore a whole generation of employees because they don't remember Kent State. I know you understand.
No, you’re quite welcome to keep your present position. In fact, we encourage it. You have proven outstanding in middle-management, and you are an effective and competent employee. Despite all of this hiring nonsense, you enjoy the respect of everyone outside of your department. Well, everyone who matters. We look forward to your continued service to the company. And you aren’t necessarily out of upward-mobility, either – I hear that the current head of your section isn’t performing as well as expected. Who knows, in another year or so, you’ll replace him! We can only hope. Then you’d be . . . what, fourth in line? That’s not too bad. Quite well, considering.
Oh, I don’t think the new hire will be calling on you to take you out of the department. The Southern guy, maybe – he’s got some pretty strong appeal among the technocrats, and his hair is a PR dream. Nothing better to do, either. He might be a good Number Two, or maybe even get a senior management position. But . . . well, after some of the things you said, can you blame him about being shy to pick you? When you are doing so well in your current position? No, I think you’d be best served to stay where you are, wait out your time, maybe take early retirement. That way you and the Mister can spend some quality time together – I know you must be craving that, after the workaholic life like you’ve led!
Now, Ma’am, that’s not fair! I know you’re upset – I would be too! But that’s the way the Board is leaning now. My hands are tied. It’s just business, nothing personal. Yes, you’ve worked hard, and we appreciate that. This isn’t a negotiation, Ma’am. We wanted a new direction, and we were fortunate enough to find a candidate who met our greatest expectations.
No, I don’t think he’ll be cut to shreds by the competition – they’re on the ropes, right now, and the Company has some pretty significant resources. Parenthetically, there were some whispers on the Board that you seemed a little too cozy with the bad guys, so you might want to watch that in the future – I have a feeling some heads are going to roll, and no one wants to see you get splattered in the process. The new hire will have a dickens of a time just getting a handle on the damage and putting the present leadership to account, so I doubt that there will be any real recriminations to a loyal Company employee such as yourself. Heck, I’ll vouch for you, if it comes to that. Still, it might be best if you took some steps to distance yourself from some of your past alliances. Some of them might not go over well with the peanut gallery.
Yes, Ma'am. I know. Howdy Doody. My mom loves Howdy Doody. Has the lunchbox and everything. She used that expression all the time when I was a kid. Anyhow, I wanted to thank you for applying, and thank you for bearing with us during this long and convoluted process. Your service to the Company is appreciated, and your continued work here is valued. I'm sorry you didn't make it this time around -- but who knows what the future holds? You never know, this might just be the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember Al, from Environmental Services? When he lost out, he got away, grew a beard, re-assessed, and now look at him: top of his game. No, I'm not suggesting you grow a beard, Ma'am, but maybe some perspective would be helpful. Get to know your kid again, maybe write another book . . .
Here, I’ll just give you a moment to pull yourself together . . . I’ve got to meet with John in ten minutes, though, so let me know if I can help you on your way. Tissues are on the desk.
And we’ll see you at work on Monday? Or do you want to take a few days off? No one would blame you. It’s been a tough interview process for everyone, and we’re all tired. Take a few days – hell, take a week, on the Company! Go someplace nice and romantic and tropical with hubby, spend a few days dancing on the beach with him, it’ll do you a world of good. You’ll get your groove back. Just the sort of thing Oprah would recommend, I think. And when you come back, you’ll feel better than ever and ready to get to work with the new boss!
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Ma’am. I know you’re upset.